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[06 May 2005|10:23am] |
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I lose.
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| Anniversary sometime soon. |
[03 May 2005|01:55am] |
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music |
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The Shins - A Call To Apathy |
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So, my first vaguely ED-related entry in any LJ/journal was about trying to puke up rice and was dated June 1st. This means that my TWO YEAR ED anniversary is sometime right around now, since I distinctly remember the rice episode (which was the first tentative exploration of bulimia, which I never followed through on, as a conscious decision to preserve my esophagus and teeth, and also because I have an annoying habit of thinking its noble to take responsibility for your fuck-ups by just digesting the damn cake/getting the crappy grade/whatever) I also remember that This had been going on for a little while before my mostly unsuccessful attempt to rid my system of what seemed a disgusting excess of chicken and white rice.
Happy anniversary to me.
*sardonic eyebrow quirking follows*
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| le hope. |
[03 May 2005|01:54am] |
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music |
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The Shins - A Call To Apathy |
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I was going through old ed posts of mine and I found a lot that still ring true. Sorta says where I've been for the last two years. Which is nowhere.
May 13th, 2004
so I was thinking, and decided that what I am suffering from, and have been since august (I know, thats a hella long time) is the too-optimistic idea that i can eat 'it' and still be happy, you know? like, even if I eat whatever it is, I can still find happiness someday, when the truth is, I cannot, if I continue on. and I think its pretty clear that my happiness means more to me than some nutella. I mean, nutella is good, but you know what is better? being thin. and loving yourself. and having someone else to love you too. because, I wont (completely and unconditionally) love myself till Im skinny, and neither will anyone else.
when you get down to it, its a simple formula.
and I think that even in the likelihood that Im skinny and not immediately snatched up by one of the boys of my (day) dreams, I wont really care cause Ill have the confidence to say, well, if they dont want me then thats because theyre stupid fucks and probably not everything I want them to be anyway. which will be true.
(end quote)
And it is true. I know that when I am happy with my weight and myself I don't care what guys think of me, so much. In fact, I don't care what girls think of me that much either. My confidence levels just go up. I don't pine the same way, and I don't let it get to me.
In other words, its just healthier for me to be skinny, because I'm a happier, more confident, better.
I just want to be healthy.
(also posted in ana_bella)
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[02 May 2005|11:04am] |
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music |
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Cheryl Wheeler - Arrow |
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Im 3.5 pounds down from where I was a few days ago!!! I win!!! I mean, while only a small victory, it makes me very happy. woo. off to class now.
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| Heh. Note music selection. |
[21 Apr 2005|08:52pm] |
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music |
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Fiona Apple - Paper Bag |
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How old school. Pah, whatever.
Today I watched law and order and snacked. The good news is Vincent D'Onofrio is still sexy as hell when making arrests (and when slamming people against the wall and cuffing them... kinky), and the bad news is... wait, did I say snacking?
shame
I didn't go running last night either. Again, too tired and couldn't be arsed. I wonder if I'll go tonight. I don't like to go too late, but I probably wont be back till 11:30. Which sucks. Hopefully I'll go. Please please go.
Also, this is just a note to Janet, but I'm changing my 'handle' or whatever to Dart. As you know, I hate my real name, am paranoid anyway, and the other one just doesn't seem to fit anymore.
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[20 Apr 2005|01:08am] |
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music |
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Academy of Ancient Music/Westminster Cathedral Boys Choir/Christopher Hogwood - Requiem aeternam |
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No running tonight. I was just too tired. :\
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| run #3 |
[19 Apr 2005|12:50am] |
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music |
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an old phonepost |
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still at it. *is pleased*
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| fortune #2 |
[18 Apr 2005|05:18pm] |
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music |
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The Decemberists - Shiny |
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So, remember the fortune thing? Well, yesterday, in my fortune cookie, i got one that said "You are heading in the right direction." Yes. And then I went for another run last night. And now my legs are killing me. Its nice.
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| Hold tight, its just beginning. |
[17 Apr 2005|10:45am] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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Going out for a run, then. Hopefully the track will be completely empty and stuffs at midnight. Hopefully it will always be empty after dark. Things are getting desperate.
ETA: It was nice, the track. No one was there at 1 in the morning, and though I sometimes felt the need to freak myself out with attack scenarios, no one actually did attack me. Also, I ran up the bleacher steps a couple of times, which killed my legs, as they're the bleachers for the football field and art, accordingly, incredibly high.
yaye.
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| We fall but our souls are flying. |
[15 Apr 2005|10:12pm] |
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music |
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The Decemberists - We Both Go Down Together |
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(4:00 pm, approx)
I just filled in journal title and friends page and whatnot, and everything is from this song. Its one of those that thrills the blood, you know? I particularly think the subject line of this post and new journal title is appropriate.
Today, so far, we have a total of 544 calories (according to fitday). Did you know that starburts are 15 calories a piece? Thats a bitch. Eggs are also a bitch, turns out. I'm getting drunk tonight, so thats another bunch of calories. How many calories in a shot, would you say?
464 of the calories were before 11 this morning, at least.
much, much later:
er.... make that 544 + a billion.
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[15 Apr 2005|10:55am] |
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music |
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The Decemberists - The Infanta |
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So, yesterday, in my fucking fortune cookie, I got a fortune that said
: ) A healthy body will benefit you forever. : )
Good god. Even the fates are saying "do you really want the rest of that lo mein?"
fuckers.
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